All was not well with Tanais the Fox. Outside his den the weather was cold and wet, a chill wind rattled through the forest. In the distance the sea rolled and crashed ominously; the sky was a sickly green and huge, looming black clouds crawled over the horizon. A storm was on its way.
Tanais saw nothing of the sky and heard little of the wind or the waves as he languished in bed. A low fire burned in the hearth; his fiddle was packed away and had been unplayed for days. Next to his listless form sat his friend Magda Wolf, a look of deep concern on her face.
Tanais had been ill for about a week. What had started as a sense of disquiet and deepening depression soon progressed into a faint that had suddenly turned into a fever. Tanais' coat was lank and dull, he moaned weakly as he tossed in his bed drenched in sweat - barely asleep but not really awake or aware of his surroundings either.
Holding his paw in hers, Magda Wolf patiently waited and wiped his brow with a cool damp flannel whenever he shifted in his sleep. Tanais occasionally muttered meaningless snatches of words and stories; every now and then he whined like a young cub, but most of the time, he tossed fitfully in fever dreams, living in the half-world he had slipped into earlier that day.
As Magda Wolf shook her head to stop herself from falling asleep for the umpteenth time, she heard the door open gently behind her. Turning around to see who it was, she saw Old Lady Crow brushing the rain from her cloak and fluttering her feathers in front of the hearth.
Hanging her cape at the foot of his bed to dry in front of the fire, she carefully looked at Tanais and then turned to Magda Wolf.
"How long has he been like this?" she whispered.
"Well, he fell into the fever earlier this afternoon." Magda sighed, "Innkeeper Badger has been coming by for the past few days to administer hot drinks, keeping everyone informed of Tanais' progress. I've been feeding him broth and stewed vegetables - not that he's eaten much." She sighed again, looking at the plates and dishes by his bed with barely a morsel eaten from each plate. "I've been with him constantly ever since he fell into the fever." she said, casting a worried glance over the fox who moaned at the hushed whispers of Magda and Old Lady Crow.
"And what about yourself?" asked the old crow, looking at the weary and bedraggled wolf. "When was the last time you ate or had something to drink. I'll bet you've not even gotten yourself any fresh air today have you?"
Shaking her head wearily, Magda glanced at Tanais and wiped his brow. "I couldn't leave him like this - he's like a sick puppy."
Putting a wing across the wolf's brow, the old gray crow tutted softly. Brushing away the weariness in Magda's eyes she smiled warmly. "Make yourself a cup of tea dear." she said, "I'll be out presently ... oh, and could you bring some hot water for Tanais here? I'll keep an eye on him for a while." Without another word to Magda, Old Lady Crow turned to Tanais and fanned cool air over his brow by flapping one of her wings.
"I'm going to let some fresh air in here." she said cheerfully, "It doesn't do to be breathing the same old germs, now does it?" Opening the window ever so slightly, Old Lady Crow let a gust of wind blow through the room, blowing away the smell of sickness and fanning new life into the fire.
The storm rumbled ever closer. Peering out of the window, she could see black storm clouds advancing on Tanais' den by the sea. The smell of ozone was thick in the air as she listened to the rain falling in large, ponderous droplets. Shivering, she was glad Tanais was not alone on a night like this; turning to face the bed, she studied the fox's dull and matted fur, "Well, what shall we do with a sickly fox then?" she said, pulling her perch closer to the side of his bed.
Old Lady Crow listened to the rattle of a tin kettle being filled with water and heaved onto the stove followed by a lightly cursing Magda who was coaxing Tanais' old wood burning stove to life. These sounds from the kitchen filled the den with a sense of life and movement, making his home feel less empty.
Tanais settled a little more comfortably in his bed, the fresh air cooling his brow as he snuggled deeper into his eiderdown for warmth. At the foot of the bed the fire spluttered a little and Old Lady Crow's cape fluttered in the breeze -- drying in front of the hearth.
Taking a moment to examine the sleeping Tanais, Old Lady Crow carefully pulled the covers aside so she could check him over. Finding nothing outwardly wrong with Tanais, she nodded to herself sagely, drawing back the eiderdown. "I don't think I've seen you quite this ill before." she said, tucking him in.
The storm outside was getting much closer and a gentle patter of rain drummed against the window.
Ensuring no rain was coming into the room, Old Lady Crow turned from the window to face Tanais who started to moan again. Checking his temperature, she knew that his fever was taking a turn for the worse.
Reaching into a small leather pouch hanging under a wing, the old crow threw some sticks of dried sage onto the fire, letting it fill the room with a thick smoke. She watched with satisfaction as the smoke drew the remaining smell of sickness into the fire, up into the chimney and out into the stormy night.
"Time for some magic." she muttered, closing up the pouch and hopping onto the bed to listen to his breathing. "Part of my magic involves telling a story." she said, fluttering her tail feathers and fanning more of the smoke into the room. Stopping for a moment to make sure Magda Wolf was still busily making tea in the kitchen, Old Lady Crow perched herself next to Tanais and thought for a while - selecting the appropriate spells and herbs to treat a sickly fox.
Checking his temperature one more time, the gray crow tutted lightly to herself; it didn't take a healer to know that something must be done and done soon to break the fever, but she waited patiently for the hot water - a few more minutes wouldn't make a whole lot of difference.
Eventually the door creaked open to reveal Magda carrying a tray with some tea for the crow and hot water for Tanais. With a grateful smile at the Wolf, Old Lady Crow took the tray from her and reached for some different herbs from her pouch - mixing them into the hot water, muttering something into the steam.
Propping up his head with one wing, Old Lady Crow carefully administered a sip of the medicine to the half-sleeping fox. Tanais moaned weakly as he swallowed but he didn't regain consciousness. With a worried glance, Magda Wolf gently shut the door again but Old Lady Crow just smiled to herself, she knew exactly what was making Tanais ill and she intended to help him get better.
"Where was I?" she muttered, giving Tanais a little more of the medicine. Taking a sip of tea for herself, she sat for a few thoughtful moments, letting the hot drink warm her up. "Ah, yes ... the story."
"I've not told you this tale before, Tanais." she began, "It's one I hardly ever tell, and I'd appreciate it not going beyond these four walls." Old Lady Crow sat for a few minutes listening to the wind and rain outside, gathering her thoughts and memories. Throwing another piece of sage onto the fire and perching herself a little closer to the fox, she quietly began her tale:
"Some people think I've been a traveler all my life." began the old crow, wiping the fox's brow with cool water. "Although I've led this life for many years, I wasn't born into it - oh no!" She chuckled quietly to herself - mindful not to stir the fox from his sleep. "Would you believe I was going to become, of all things ... a wife?"
Old Lady Crow sat deep in thought, immersed in memories of her childhood, the bowl of water cupped between her powerful gray wings. Considering it unwise to linger any more than she had to, she put down the bowl, folded her wings and continued.
"Back when I was a fledgling, life for a crow consisted largely of staying close to one's family." she said, "I was the oldest child in the nest and, as was deemed right and proper for a fledgling, I was expected to help look after all of them with my mother. Ma always reminded me that I would have children of my own one day -- when I was grown up and married and that I would have a fine hard-working husband someday, just my like my father, who would bring back enough food to feed my own family."
Old Lady Crow shivered a little, "My future had been pretty much planned from the first day I was born. I grew up helping Ma bring up my brothers and sisters, cleaning the nest, helping with food - I was the ever-dutiful daughter."
The crow frowned. "The time had come for me to get married. My parents found me a suitable young crow who lived not very far from where we lived. It was something very much arranged between my parents and his ..." she sighed, "... and so they started the long process of getting him to court me."
If Tanais had been awake - he would have seen the old gray crow blush a little at the memory. "Oh, he was a fine enough young man, but it all seemed so ... false. He was clearly every bit as nervous and embarrassed as I was, and no-one thought to ask me if this was what I wanted. Ma told me this was how she met my father and how his father met my grandma and so on ... so I didn't feel I could complain, I was `carrying on an old family tradition.'"
Outside, she saw a flash of lighting, a few seconds later she heard the deep rumble of thunder following in its wake. The storm was getting closer.
"As the weeks passed, I started to feel as if my life wasn't really going to be much fun at all." Old Lady Crow said, "All my dreams as a youngster seemed to be getting further out of reach as I was expected to be more of a grown-up with each passing day." She looked wistfully out of the window, her thoughts drifting back to when she imagined flying high into the sky, soaring with the swallows. She remembered her childhood dreams of gliding over the edge of the world to see where the sun went at dusk; she remembered her plans of one-day reaching the moon by flying at night.
"I was told these were just childish things and I was advised to forget about them, and work hard at looking after the nest. If I was a good bride I would eventually become a good mother."
Old Lady Crow stroked the sleeping Tanais' ears and frowned. "With each day, the world seemed grayer and less inviting. A desperation seemed to close around me. I felt as if I was trapped.
"At about the same time, I started to get bouts of sadness - depression if you like." The old crow coughed cautiously. "I spied you walking along the beach during the last full moon." she said, "No doubt you wanted to be alone so I didn't interrupt you. But as I watched you, I recognized something about the way you were. It reminded me of how I used to be when I was sad and wanting to be alone."
She stopped to look at the fox, now sleeping deeply but his breathing was still uneven and ragged. The old crow realized just how much of herself she saw in Tanais' face, how closely they had grown together despite the many years of separation between them. "I suspect you often get days like this," she muttered "days where you can't seem to do anything." and she patted the eiderdown "I know, dear fox ... " she murmured, "I know."
Cocking her head to look out at the storm outside, she fluttered her tail feathers a little, "Folks are often surprised when it is the most outward and seemingly happy of us that hold an inner hurt, or a secret sadness. Rest assured I'll not be digging into yours, that's for you to discover...
"But I'm rambling." she said. Realizing she had already veered too far from the story she stopped abruptly. Putting her thoughts on track, she continued telling her story.
"When my own sadness overtook me, I was unable to do anything. Normally I would be feeling sad for a few days; often I would just forget about how I was feeling and get on with whatever I was told to do." the old crow blinked, "Sometimes I was also genuinely happy, but more often than not I was sad; putting on a brave face so that no-one knew how I felt - especially when Ma brought 'round my husband-to-be.
"One morning there was no getting over my sadness" she said, "I just seemed to sink into my bed and I lay, ill and quiet for days on end. At first everyone was worried. When this went on for more than a few days, then they got angry," she laughed a little bitterly, "and when that didn't do any good, they got confused. They couldn't see anything physically wrong with me, so they couldn't understand that I was ill inside ... and at the time, neither did I.
"Oh, I suppose everyone tried their best to help. Ma tried to cheer me with stories of how wonderful the wedding was going to be in just a few months time. My husband-to-be tried to cheer me up with offerings of flowers and gifts. But I just looked at him and tried my best to stop crying. Eventually the doctor was called around to see if there was anything he could do, but he just shook his head and shuffled off."
"My wedding loomed and with each passing day the sadness made me sink deeper until one day it had gotten so bad that I thought about flying away. Oh, I hadn't planned on running away from home or anything like that," she said, keeping an eye of the raging storm outside. "I had been in bed for what seemed like weeks unable, or rather too unhappy to do anything. But one morning I awoke with an urge to leap out of the window and fly as high and as far as I could."
The crow hopped onto Tanais' window ledge and sniffed the sea-air. The storm was now well and truly upon Tanais' cottage; the sound of the wind outside his den whistled and howled wildly.
Old Lady Crow heard Magda Wolf come back inside, shut the kitchen door and shuffle to Tanais' bedroom door - but the wolf didn't open it. Moving back to the bed, the crow listened to Magda open the grate, throw another log on the fire and settle herself down.
Getting back to the story, Old Lady Crow fluttered back to her perch next to Tanais' bed. "I leapt out of the window with a Caw! and flew up into the sky. I heard anxious cries from my friends and family nearby. Indeed, a few tried to chase after me, but I had a determination - something deep within me was urging me to fly."
Looking at the Fox now sleeping soundly but occasionally whimpering in his own dreams, the old crow took the damp flannel and wiped his forehead. Gently cleaning his face and muzzle, the Old Crow realized how like a mother she had become to her young friend. "Of course, for a bird, flying is an expression of freedom; it's more than simply a means by which we travel to where we want to go. But whatever drove me higher into the sky didn't come from any desire to express myself or to get anywhere. Something dark, something deep within me was driving me to fly harder and higher."
For a second, a wild look passed over her face, but it was gone almost as quickly. She stopped wiping Tanais' face with the flannel and folded her wings. "This was to be my final flight, Tanais. I flew so high until I could hardly breathe and my wings could carry me no further. So I just stopped flying and let go of myself. I planned on plummeting to the ground in a headlong dive."
Rubbing her wings at the memory, the old crow stared darkly into the smoldering fire. "I would finally be free of my secret fears of letting other people down, of my fears of a horrible life ahead, of the feeling of simply being unfulfilled. At last! I would be free of the sadness that dogged me wherever I went."
Old Lady Crow fluttered to the window and watched the lightning striking the sea out in the distance. Staring into the darkness she thought she could see a ship and perhaps hear the sound of a bell clanging wildly far out on the horizon. Shivering at the thought of being out at sea on a night like this, she offered a prayer to anyone who would need it.
Closing the curtains so the lightning wouldn't frighten the sleeping Fox, Old Lady Crow turned and put some more sage onto the fire and gave Tanais another sip of medicine - this time he didn't moan.
"If you were awake, I suspect you'd ask `so, why am I here now?'" she said, "Well, Tanais dear, the truth is that I couldn't go through with it." she smiled weakly "I felt as if my sadness was far behind me - somewhere up there." and she absently fluttered a wing skyward. "The earth rushed towards me and I felt a delicious sense of release as I waited to hit the ground. But as I waited for the final impact, I felt a strange inner-calm. I realized that I also wanted to do everything I had dreamed of doing! I was close to hitting the ground, yet something urged me to flap my wings at the last minute and try to break my fall."
The Old Crow winced at the memory, "Oh I was flying far too quickly to have any control over my landing and I went crashing into the thick grass. My body bumped once, possibly twice and I was hurled along the ground, rolling wildly until I finally hit the foot of a tree stump. Something went snap, and with horror I realized that I had broken a wing! I lay at the foot of the tree, in too much pain to move, my broken wing twisted at a nasty angle.
"I realized that I would never fly again!" Old Lady Crow winced again at the memory "I knew that with a broken wing I would never follow the sun's setting over the horizon or travel to any of the places I had dreamed of seeing ... " The old crow chuckled in her thick and rasping laugh. " ... and then I fainted clean away!"
"When I came to I found myself wrapped in leaves. Both wings were tightly pressed against my body. My broken wing had been set in place, tied down with twine and sealed with wax. Although I ached terribly and my body itched like ants were crawling all over me, I somehow felt calm and safe. I knew I wouldn't come to any harm here.
"Looking around, I saw I was deep in a cave. Outside I could hear the wind rustling in the trees, but inside, it was warm, peaceful and comfortable." the crow smiled at the memory "Looking deeper into the cave I saw, sitting by a fire, an old fox staring intently into the embers as he mixed a poultice in a large white bowl.
"I guess he must have heard me wake, because he turned around and stared at me. I pretended to be asleep - watching him from behind half-closed eyes." Old Lady Crow's eyes squinted as she re-lived the experience.
Laying her cape on the bed, Old Lady Crow patted it flat - tenderly stroking out any creases - enjoying the warm, comforting feeling of wool against her feathers. "I remember it as clearly as if it happened yesterday," she said, "The old fox wore a gray cape, he must have been very old indeed - so old that he used a gnarled branch of an ash tree to walk over to where I was laying. Putting on a pair of wire-framed spectacles, the old fox carefully checked my bound wing." Old Lady Crow grinned, "Even though I pretended to still be asleep, I nevertheless gasped at the pain of having my wing prodded.
"`Ha! You're awake now I see.' The old fox sniffed. `I saw you land in the grass not far from here, so thought I'd come and explore.' He sniffed at me again `That was quite some dive wasn't it?' Sitting down opposite my little nest of leaves he looked at me oddly, still mixing the poultice - no-doubt waiting for me to reply."
Old Lady Crow sighed, "I tried to explain my story, but none of it made sense." She said. "I didn't want to tell him the truth, because to be honest I wasn't sure what the truth was at that time. I had no way to articulate how I felt, so after a while I started to weep; but when that happened, it all came out. The years of sadness inside seemed to catch up with me, the things I was too afraid to ever confront, the feelings of being unfulfilled or trapped in a marriage I neither wanted or cared for. All these fears - and more - flew out in a wild sobbing outburst."
Old Lady Crow put the last few remaining strips of kindling onto the fire followed by a log. "All the while the old fox sat, mixing the poultice in the bowl and listening intently as I told him everything. Eventually I was all talked out and sat shaking slightly and snuffling.
"`That's quite a lot of sadness inside you.' the old Fox said after a few minutes deep in thought. He was a fox of few words," Old Lady Crow remembered, "Eventually he lifted his cape to one side, and sat down beside me, tending to the rest of my cuts and scrapes.
"`You don't think I'm silly then?' I sniffed, still sobbing slightly. But Grandfather Fox merely wrinkled his nose and smiled warmly as he applied the poultice `These will heal much faster and better when you heal what hurts inside.' he said. `I can mend broken bones but the rest you'll have to do yourself.' and fixing me with a curious look on his old face, the fox seemed to look right inside me, `Your worst wounds are caused by a broken spirit.'
"So that my parents wouldn't worry more than they had to and come searching for me, Grandfather Fox sent a message - without a return address - telling them I was safe and that I was getting better from an illness and that I would return soon."
The old crow smiled at the memory. "For the first time in my life someone was helping me ... I felt as if I was special." she whispered.
"Now, as the weeks passed and my bones healed we got to know each other very well. We became great friends. Although he never said so, I soon realized that Grandfather Fox was a shaman - a magical healer and teacher." She looked proudly at Tanais, tapping her chest with a gray feather. "He showed me where magic really is in this world. Just by listening and encouraging me to see things differently, he helped me reach things from inside my own imagination." Old Lady Crow looked deeply into Tanais' sleeping face. "He taught me where to look for magic and how to find it in every one of us. Just by meeting him, my life had been completely changed." the old crow beamed.
"Under the watchful eye of Grandfather Fox, my wounds healed completely. My broken wing had set and all my scrapes and sores were a thing of the past. Something within me was drawing my thoughts homeward.
"Although I dreaded the thought of going back, I also knew I had to finally put my foot down and decide how to lead my own life. I had to explain to my family that I wasn't ever going to be the perfect wife, in fact I didn't want to get married at all!
"That night, we sat in front of the fire. Grandfather Fox usually told me stories or taught me simple magic, but tonight he was unusually quiet. Somehow I knew he was waiting for me to find my own words to say I should be leaving. So I sat down next to him and said, rather matter-of-factly that `I ought to be getting back'.
"Grandfather Fox nodded and smiled as he stared into the fire a little longer. After a few minutes he looked at me and, as if by reply, he said, `I'd been thinking of moving on myself. I thought about going south for the Winter where it's warmer.' and he laughed, `I must admit I've been feeling the cold in these old bones of mine lately and I hear the hunting is good down south - so that's where I'll go!'
"In the morning, Grandfather Fox had packed my things and waited for me to finish my breakfast. I ate in silence, not really wanting to leave, but knowing that I must - that all of a sudden I had a life to live and it wasn't going to wait forever.
Grandfather Fox looked at the places where my cuts and scrapes had been and checked my wing one final time. With a satisfied nod, he snipped the waxed twine, leaving the dried, dead old leaves to fall away -- revealing my once broken wing, now better than ever - albeit a little stiff from being held in place for so long."
Old Lady Crow sat and watched Tanais who was now sleeping comfortably. Her medicine had taken hold and some of the richness in his red coat had returned - now she was sure he was on the mend.
"Before we parted, Grandfather Fox knelt down and stared deeply into my eyes. This time I didn't look away." Old Lady Crow breathed deeply, savoring the memory, "I no longer feared the outside world nor cared for anyone else's opinions of who I was or what they wanted from me. I felt a lively expectation that I had not experienced since before I was a fledgling.
"I think Grandfather Fox must have seen all this - and possibly more because he stood up and solemnly took off his cape, carefully wrapping it around me." Old Lady Crow blushed, "Of course I protested, but he would have nothing of it.
"Resting his big, old paws squarely on my shoulders he peeped solemnly over the rims of his spectacles, silencing me with a single look. `We make our own families young lady.' he said, `Some of us pass through for a moment or on a chance encounter, others stay for just a few days, whereas a few stay with us for the rest of our lives - in one way or another.' With one more look, making it clear that he wanted me to have the cape, he stood back and nodded approvingly, `I don't think it's the last I'll see of you either.'
"Squinting up at the sky, Grandfather Fox stepped back and admired me wearing the cape - `admittedly it's a little bit too big for you at the moment -- but you'll grow into it' he smiled warmly, `Standing like that, I see you someday as a very old gray crow,' he said, `telling stories, helping others and healing the wounded.' Picking up his staff, he turned to leave. `Keep the cape, it's now yours to use for your own magic - when you find it. If you use it to someday heal someone with similar wounds to yours then I shall consider it payment in kind.'"
A tear rolled down the old crow's eyes, "From that day on I was changed. Oh, I have had bad days since then - I still do on occasion - but I've my own life to live now and with the strength I get from my own magic, I know that things will never be quite as hard as they used to be.
"Grandfather Fox's stories and the gift of his cape was a reminder that I was given a second chance for living. I realized then that stories have their own way of healing ... and teaching. It taught me that sometimes we can start all over again - and even make a better job of it."
With the story finished, Old Lady Crow hopped onto the window ledge and looked out into the dusk at the clearing sky. The rain had long since passed, leaving only a faraway rumble as a reminder of the night's storm and somewhere in the distance she could hear the lonely chime of a bell ringing far out at sea. Wrapping the cape around her, she studied the now quietly sleeping fox. Checking his temperature one more time, she nodded, satisfied that he was now, finally, on the mend. Stroking Tanais' velvet ears tenderly and tucking him in, she left the room.
Opening the bedroom door as quietly as she could, she crept past a snoring Magda Wolf who lay wrapped up in a rug next to the kitchen stove. Tip-toeing past her and out the back door into the cold early morning the old gray crow felt strangely young again. Burrowing her face in the warmth of her cape, breathing deeply, she closed her eyes tightly and thought she could smell and feel the presence of Grandfather Fox still in the cape. The air was fresh and cold, the sky was clear and a few stars were still visible. She discarded all her worries of Tanais' illness into the sky as she launched into a wild and curious dance, hopping and skipping in the wet grass, all the time laughing and cawing from the sheer joy of being alive.
"It'll be light in an hours time." Old Lady Crow thought as she lay on the grass panting from her exertions, "A good time to get some driftwood for Tanais' fire." Sitting up, she started on her way to the beach but stopped abruptly as she thought for a second she saw Grandfather Fox in the distance, holding his staff and watching her with a satisfied smile.
Now she was sure today was going to be a fine day after all.
(C) 1995 Clive Grace. All rights reserved.